We all know the female body is an exquisite, exotic flower that distinguishes itself from other fruits of the forest by its ability to do 80s dance moves and look wonderful in a sweater cape. But contrary to popular belief, there are some things even the most svelte of figures would be wise to avoid performing for an audience….
- Administer feminine hygiene. I’m too polite to spell this out, suffice to say a more bald sentence would include the words ‘tampon’, ‘in’ and ‘putting’. This is akin to reading the fat content of a tub of Chubby Hubby – an action that could kill the thrill of copping a feel. The magic of the miracle of life is best micromanaged behind closed doors.
- Fry bacon. The reason why the naked sushi platter is an erotic classic is not only because sushi is a cold, salty delight, but because it removes the delicate female epidermal layer from spluttering hot oil. Eat bacon. Purchase bacon. Serve bacon. Dance with bacon. Do not cook bacon.
- Work out. Much like the best part of a Baked Alaska is not watching it being prepared, a sweaty, heaving, breath-stealing workout is not the best part of the lean, mean, fighting machine that is your trimmed, toned and terrific bod. And seeing the jiggleathon in your pale naked glory is like discovering desert isn’t Baked Alaska, it’s fruit salad. No ice cream or nothin’.
- Wax ‘down there’. Men and masculine gay ladies like to imagine our neat girly gardens happen, well, they don’t really like to think about it. They’re aware boiling hot wax is applied to incredibly sensitive areas before being ripped off to remove hair from the roots, but that’s about as sexy as dementia. Sexy is good. Seeing you in pain to achieve sexy, notsomuch.
- Argue about politics. You should argue about politics. Just not sans clothes. It’s difficult to make your excellent point about the importance of universal health care when he’s discovering that the muddy pink of your nipples, is, in fact, well, to be honest, it’s perfect.