How To Start A Kick-Arse Band

This was in a publication put out by local radio station, fbi.

  1. Hail from a relatively obscure country, known for producing unique, regularly name-checked acts. ie. Scotland, Sweden. Failing that, just say you’re from Detroit.
  2. Your band must consist of at least one family member or ex-partner of which you have a close but ambiguous history with. Keep sexual tension ever present but unrealised. Or be openly gay.
  3. Never ever say you play one genre of music. Include the phrases ‘art’, ‘glam’, ‘post’ or ‘indie’ in your description. Preferably all four.
  4. When thinking of your band name, follow the rule that one is good, two better, three best ie. Yeah Yeah Yeahs, !!!, Hot Hot Heat, Die! Die! Die!. You also want to reference death or heat (which leads to death). ie. Fiery Furnaces, Pretty Girls Make Graves, The Kills, Dogs Die in Hot Cars, …And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Our Dead, When Yr Dead Yr Dead Forever, The Killers. Do NOT use the word ‘The’ in your band name.
  5. Album names: The longer and more ridiculous the better. the difference between you and me is that i’m not on fire set a new standard we all must follow.
  6. Don’t smile in press shots. Actual cool people don’t show emotions. They just take drugs and make albums with ridiculously long titles.
  7. Asymmetrical haircuts, skinny ties, primary colours and dark glasses are all in. If you can find a albino drummer with choppy hair and a red suit, go straight to NME. Do not pass Go, collect a million shifted units.
  8. Songs: Length: Short and slightly nervy. Vocal style: Irrelevant. It’s all about attitude. Substance: Obscure and all subtext. Sex, angst and/or life-in-the-big-city tales must feature somewhere. A smack addiction and a string of failed relationships gets you halfway there.
  9. If you can’t get Michel Gondry, Spike Jonze or Chris Cunningham to make your clip, get someone who namechecks them in your first meeting to make it. Formation dancing is in. Band singing to camera is not. Hint: ‘Grunge’ will always forgive a $50 budget.
  10. Get a story in The Brag, objectively Sydney’s hottest street press. 32,000 issues featuring your band, distributed everywhere from the Northern Beaches up to Newcastle. Surrounded by a massive social pix section, a killer gig and club guide, music news, reviews and views on all forms of rock, dance and the arts, how can you go wrong?

Georgia Clark

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About Georgia

I'm a young adult novelist with a weakness for hot nerds and cheese platters, not necessarily in that order. I am currently working on my third novel. I'm pretty excited about having just turned 30 because it means I can justify spending a lot of time thinking about homewares.
This entry was posted in Creative non-fiction, Music, Pop culture and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

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