Georgia Clark explores why a die-hard romantic ain’t giving it up til there’s a ring on his finger.
My name is David* and my goal is not to have sex before marriage. I’m a 30-year-old virgin.
I’m about 6 ‘ 2 “, with dark hair and dark plastic glasses. I suppose I sport the very slightly disheveled hipster look – think mad scientist meets Andy Dick. I have two main hobbies; I’m renovating an old home, and cooking. The bands I’m liking right now are Band of Horses, MGMT, and Great Lake Swimmers.
I studied molecular biology at uni, and have been in working for a biotech company doing research for a couple years. Biological scientists let their hair down a little bit more than other fields, like engineers or mathematicians. Scientists are odd because they’re such logical thinkers.
The opposite sex I do find to be rather confusing. The way that we behave, and the way people that we’re attracted to behave, is definitely not a logical thing. It’s certainly taken a long time for me to figure out what my general rules about the opposite sex would be.
I grew up in a Christian home.. My parents encouraged to wait until marriage to have sex but it wasn’t something they ground into me. Now, having grown up I’ve had a lot of time to consider my own reasons.
Whether you believe in sex before marriage or not, you want the relationship to be good before you’re having sex. It’s an extension of that idea, in that you get to know someone well enough, to know you are loved unconditionally, before you’re willing to give away that sexual part of yourself. I really do think that there’s some value in that. It may seem idealistic. The goal is to be able build a relationship that lasts. We have such huge divorce rates now. I don’t necessarily think that sex clouds relationships for all people, but for myself, I have a propensity for letting being involved sexually affect me in different ways, so there is some value for me personally to disengage in sexual behaviour before I’ve become secure in a relationship.
In my view, sex becomes an expression of the longing, the desire, to be known and to be loved. For example, when I’ve messed around with a girl but I’m not interested in that girl, that’s just me feeling what I really want is to be cared for and be in a relationship with somebody who loves me – and instead I’m making out. Obviously I’m not saying that all casual sexual encounters are necessarily a bad thing, but the times I have engaged in it, it really causes me to question and not stay relaxed about things.
I’ve been in two serious relationships, and I’ve had a number of other fairly short-lived relationships.
The second relationship was with a woman named Vanessa. It was a fairly whirlwind dating relationship. We were doing it long-distance, and we ended up getting engaged. There was a pretty strong desire to move it towards marriage because of the sex aspect. That went well for a month or two and then it went downhill pretty quick. I absolutely look at that and say, ‘I got engaged in order to get to sex sooner’. It was really ridiculous. It really is a difficult conundrum that people who are committed to not having sex run into.
When I meet people there’s always this question in the back of my mind, ‘Is this person interested in me because they want to have sex or because they’re interested in a solid relationship?’. I’ve definitely had women who have communicated pretty strongly they do want sex, but casual sex is probably the easiest thing for me to turn down.
I try not to spend too much time fantasizing or trying to predict what it’ll be like. I think it’s difficult based on the sexualized culture that we live in. You get this idyllic view of sex – most of my sex education has come from Hollywood. I was talking to a friend of mine who had been a virgin until pretty recently he said having sex took away a lot of the mystery of it. It was a connection point to someone you really cared deeply about, not necessarily this Sex and the City-type activity. Ultimately, I view sex as a deep expression of love.
A lot of times guys are in it for the physical, visual aspect – they can have sex a lot of times very easily, and the connection part isn’t necessarily what strikes them. My impression is that for women it tends to be more of the emotional, relational connection.
Having these values frees me from going through a lot of motions in order just to have sex. If somebody’s not interesting to me I don’t waste a lot of time talking with them because I want to get in bed with them. It cracks me what my friends will do in order to be able to go home and have sex with somebody.
Waiting until marriage to have sex, you do become very sensitized to all sorts of sexual content that’s always coming across. You’re standing in the line at the grocery store and there’s this beautiful woman on the cover of a magazine – I am certainly not immune to that! I think intellectually, a lot of the over-sexualisation is really unfortunate. But it doesn’t bother me or make me feel angry on a day-to-day basis.
I’m looking for someone where we have a really mutual relationship where two people are both giving to the relationship. Someone who is healthy and adjusted, intellectual, funny, and sexy, for sure. Someone whose willing to be committed and is not afraid of that. And somebody with some spunk! Sometimes it’s hard to be optimistic about meeting women who will understand and respect where I am coming from, but I’m still optimistic I’ll find someone who is a great match for me.
*All names have been changed.
Copyright Georgia Clark 2010