Georgia Clark explores why you’re crushing on a gay boy.
Along with couture and cable reality television shows, the rule with 21st century sexuality is, there are no rules. Gender roles have changed so much in just one generation, it’s almost impossible for the modern day gal to contemplate playing the game the way our parents did. Saddled with kids and a husband by 23? Join us in our best Cher-from-Clueless impersonation: “I don’t think so!”
Maria*, 27: “I fell for this gorgeous gay boy one summer in Sydney when I was about 21. He was studying fashion and working in student politics – creative AND smart. I mistook a couple hot holiday party pashes as something more and flew down to Melbourne to visit him. Worst trip of my life. Even though I was staying in his house, in his bed, he avoided me like the plague the entire time. I felt like a crazy, deluded stalker (probably because I was)”
It’s no longer unusual to be gay, it’s more unusual if you haven’t experimented or at least given it a bit of thought. Every girl has a GBF (gay best friend) – but riddle me this: why do some girls crush hard on boys who like boys?
Let’s Hear It For The Boys!
They dig perving on surfer boys as much as you, they understand sexism because they experience homophobia, they’re Just Jack-hilarious: let’s just face it, gay guys are awesome! “Acceptance is all anyone could ask for, but the homo-homie goes far beyond,” agrees Rhys Bobridge, professional homosexual/ entertainer.” “He’ll notice when you get your hair done, he’ll egg you on to splurge on those ridiculously high heels and tell you if your butt looks big in those super lo-rise jeans.” Plus, because he’s not playing for your team, you’ve been completely comfortable being yourself around him and he’s accepted you for who you are – a powerful aphrodisiac.
Case Study # 1. Your Type: Emotional Unavailable Men.
Like guys with girlfriends or dudes who live in different cities, crushing on gay guys falls into the ‘want what you can’t have’ column. So why do we do it? “We often gravitate to what we’re familiar with,” explains psychotherapist Pam Stavropoulos. “Needs can be gratified by being drawn to a situation that at some level reminds us of what we’ve experienced before. Emotional unavailability is a classic one – let’s say the father was unattainable. It’s not about being a masochist, it’s about trying to get it right this time – making up for the past and working through a different outcome.” If your crush is a canvas to work through such stuff, CLEO says avoid homo-heartbreak and work it out in therapy (did you know it’s free on Medicare?)
Case Study # 2. Your Type: Not Your Boyfriend
Your boyfriend wants to fart and watch football, your boy-on-boy bud wants to gossip through Gossip Girl. Your boy spent last night ralphing in the bushes, the only Ralph your GBF is interested in ends in Lauren. And it’s becoming a no-brainer who’s on your speed dial first. Men/ Mars, Women/ Venus: in space, no one can hear you scream (from frustration!) You may find yourself quite naturally attracted to the guy you’re spending the most quality time with. “The investment of time and validation is at least as important as fulfilling sexual needs,” says Pam. “If there’s quality time invested in the gay friend as distinct from the boyfriend, it’s likely to say that that’s providing something the primary relationship isn’t.” An attraction in this instance could be an alert that while you might by physically attracted to your current man, he’s not up to the mark emotionally, socially or intellectually.
Case Study # 3: Your Type: Chicks
Simmering underneath your lust for the lad-loving Lothario could be a sign you’re something other than a straighty-one-eighty on the sexuality spectrum. “Especially in your early 20s when you’re still defining your identity,” agrees Pam. “It’s a really interesting arena to explore attraction, social norms and assumptions about how we are and how we should be.” Download The L Word and see how you fare.
Case Study # 3: His Type: Chicks
If there’s really been some chemistry or even some action between you two, it may not be you that’s confused. If a guy has recently started questioning his sexuality, or is not completely out, he may be dealing with his confusion by grasping onto the threads of his heterosexuality. But be warned – your flip-flopping fagulous friend is unlikely to be your leading man for long…
Seb*, 24, “I’m gay but a few years ago I started seeing a female friend. I became quite determined to be able to have a relationship with her, maybe to prove my own masculinity to myself. We got a lot of animosity from our close friends. I was getting abusive text messages from other gay guys – a lot viewed it as a real betrayal of trust, that one of us would fall. I got really worried that I was gonna get ostracized from my whole social group. I ended up calling it off. I don’t think I’d ever be able to sustain a relationship with a girl. I just know I’m sexually attracted to men, not women… I think I’m pretty gay.”
Case Study #5: His Type: Your Boyfriend
The pink triangle you’re engulfed in may have less to do with you and more to do with your man candy! “His fashionably flattering shoulders might be a great spot on which to lean but underneath may lie shoulder-pads of deceit!” warns Rhys. “It’s a one track train to the straight tradie fantasy, running express through your heart.”
In closing we say that sexuality is a 24-hour funpark: buy the ticket, take the ride, but keep your (s)expectations in check. As Rhys’ points out, “The gays do tend to have a slightly inflated ego and a Smirnoff-induced party pash could just be seeking attention. Tease ain’t just something you do to your hair.”
*names changed to protect the fabulous.